That which once looked radiant in the distance still shines bright. I do not want it to fade into an afterglow for it is the lived discoveries of the world, the felt spell of further possibilities, and the yet unknown which must gradually manifest itself to me that excites me and fills me with a sense of brimming life. It is this almost measurable distance between me and the bright promise of fulfillment that inspires me to continue enjoying my present in the presence of continued hopes for the future. Life is live in the senses, vibrant in expectations, joyous in contacts and communications, agile in the flexibility of dreams, supple in choice and taste, sturdy in desire, fruitful in socialization and celebratory in mood. Free from the rigid ideologies that prosperous ladies and gentlemen of my nation seem to passionately uphold, I have found life unbound by any chains other than those of personal responsibilities which define the tasks I am committed to. At least this is the way I would like to understand my attitude to life.
However, after an early retirement from the university, the radiance in the distance diminished perceptibly into something of an afterglow that is ever reminiscent of the glorious day. With a few added years of teaching experience in a private college that would not change or grow, I began perceiving the futility of all action that I had read earlier as responsible and committed work for the enhancement of the Humanities through English education in this nation. Unable to buffet against political currents and other malpractices within the academia, I isolated myself from the practice of the crowd that survived better and longer than I did in the educational arena. This was a milestone I had crossed, but to what destination?
There is a time in most people’s life when opportunities abound. Future is not just tomorrow, it is also next month, next year, next decade and after. The radiance in the distance is full of promise and possibilities. Between the here and the there in time lies a continuum which offers an adventure where treasures are discovered, hearts are lost and found, dreams are fulfilled, conquests are celebrated, friendships are built and sacrifices are made for the common good. And there comes a time in the lives of some people when opportunities diminish and become scarce, when the heart’s rhythm changes, when the physical world moves too fast for the weary limbs and dreams are more frequent than they are fulfilled. It is a time when gradually hair is shed, sight is shed, hearing is shed, strength is shed and friends and members of the family are shed from the tree of life.
Despite all these shedding, faith in oneself remains constant if one has learned to believe in oneself during the long decades of life. The self-image continues with a happy illusion in its own everlastingness. The world has not ended, it has only changed. Sadly, tight and robust skin tends to perceive all loose and wrinkled skin as traditionally conservative and incapable of progressive and avant-gardist attitudes and behavior. Such perception, by sheer strength of uncomprehending majority, sidelines mellow thought to the rank of vegetative years. This is one tragedy induced on age by an eternally younger society which youthfully gushes along its course necessitated by the contours of renewed wants and needs. However, the tight and robust skin is not free from a similar condition: there is no possibility of real understanding between two individuals; there are only compromises through words and silences. We understand only our own opinion of what another person might be like; understanding the person himself is nothing more than our understanding of our own perception of that person with all our subjective angles and bias. So, the loose-skin circles in a side-pool beside the main current and needs nothing more than an identity of its own, untroubled by the swift, young current. Here it will capture the flashing sun, breathe the forest-filtered air and dream under the starlit sky. To be what one is is the greatest bliss of life.
This is why retirement has come as a bonus. Each day has an added twelve hours of life’s leisure whence to observe the distant radiance and to smile with contentment at the fact that one is now closer to and, at the same time, approaching such Beauty. To those who think that life is a dream within a dream, the emptiness of the beautiful is like afternoon dew. To those who can appreciate the simple reality of sensual experiences, life remains as rich as ever.
The future does not shrink like shriveled skin. It dilates instead with decreased distance in relation to the individual who either looks behind with fear or enjoys the huge splashes of approaching time by adventurously looking at it like a mountain river rafter. What is there to lose after all except the fear of loss? If there is nothing to gain either, there is still the satisfaction of having arrived there where life finally bursts into a flame of beauty having used up all its possibilities, having won the goalpost, having shared a game with millions of others who too will one day arrive exactly there. For the time being some are climbing arduous slopes, others are crossing torrents and yet others are preparing for the journey without the faintest idea as to what it will cost them. But then, this is life!
It is only when the radiant glow begins to dilate over life’s horizon that the slow and lonely fields of leisure comfort the traveler with their vastness and their variety, for the observation of which one did not as yet have time. Go where you will, do what you want to do, cull any flower along the roadside, drink from any fount, and you will always see that radiant glow grow larger, more brilliant and more beautiful than ever. It is what you were actually looking for throughout your life. it is what will ease your weary limbs. It is what will lull you to a final rest from which the puny attitudes of a megalomaniac world will not gnaw your heart awake to undesirable passions and pain. Having now fueled the future with your own life, you may rest in peace beneath that radiant glow which continues drawing others like you with its brilliance.
Padma Devkota
March 28, 2012
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